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My Journey with Gretel

Little Gretel, this little one has taken quite the journey with me! At the beginning of January I was informed that my mom who is in a long term care facility has tested positive to Covid-19 at the end of December since then every single day is like a roller coaster ride that just won’t stop!  At first she started off that it appeared like it wasn’t more than a little cold and just when we thought she was healing boom! She went back down hill, her oxygen stats got bad, she was put on 3 litres of oxygen, she started to get really tired and struggled to stay awake, she talked less and less and her appetite slowly decreased.
Being such a private person, it was really difficult for me to bring this up! I debated on it for some time,  I mean I don’t like a whole lot of attention and most certainly no one wants attention for this kind of life moment.... not for this! Who am I anyways.... the entire world is going through something what right do I have to stand up and say hey 👋 look at me? Right!

 So little Gretel comes into the picture, (how fitting Gretel
 a German name.... my mom is from Austria) as I bring this little one to life I find myself caught all up and having to face my emotions,

THE BLAME STATE
I was for a very long time and maybe even still are in what everyone can associate to as the blame state, I blame myself for not taking her out of the place, but I didn’t want to because what if I got Covid-19 and my mom was here and I gave it to her... but what happens if I don’t take her out and she gets it in there....I could have prevented it because I  could have taken her out? Such a vicious vicious circle! As tears fell from my face Gretel was there to catch them, when I prayed she was there to listen and when there was silence she quietly was by me 💕

OUT OF MY HANDS

Deep down I know that I don’t have any control of what is in Gods hands, we are all destined to die but only when he is ready for us! These are his plans not ours to make!
So everyday all I can do is be thankful that she is here for another day and try to remain optimistic that she will pull through this.

Today is February 01.21, my sister, brother and I did a facetime call with her, we do it every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. She does not look good at well and she continues to not eat, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want Covid to go away buy mostly I want to be able to feel my mom again, hear her soft voice and be able to kiss her on her cheek after visiting.